Ok, so I have set out to describe my novel, “a life of inches” in 140 characters or less as part of a contest put on by this blog by @Shelley_Watters. Please feel free to comment and criticize. I strongly encourage positive and negative feedback. If you are an author I strongly suggest you check out her blog and twitter. There is a lot of info to be read there.
Title: a life of inches
Genre: General fiction
Word count: 88,000
A love triangle plays out on a baseball diamond as Ryan squares off with injury, addiction, and the luckiest man alive for Molly’s heart.
So this is version 4.0 thanks to all who have offered feedback so far! Please keep it coming. This has been a great experience thus far, and I can’t wait to read some of the books I have read about from your pitches.
here are older drafts for comparison:
a love triangle plays out around a baseball diamond as three friends square off to determine who will stand in the winner’s circle
a love triangle plays out around a baseball diamond as ryan squares off against Woodie to win Molly’s heart.
Hey. Just a quick comment on your title. Love it!
I like your newest one-intriguing! Best of luck!
I really like your last version too. Like someone said before me, you can’t explain everything in 140 characters! I think you did great! I love it and I would read it.
I really like what you’ve done with the pitch and the use of the shapes, etc. Well done.
I love the shapes (triangle, diamond, square) and the use of “plays out” as a nod to the baseball theme. A very well-crafted pitch! It’s amazing how much detail is evoked from just 140 characters.
This sounds really good. Best of luck.
Thank you for your comment about my Twitter pitch. I wrote a new one if you want to check it out.
HMG
Oops, sorry, you didn’t comment on mine… my mistake. Hope you’ll swing by and take a look anyway. 🙂
I didn’t get to see the first pitch, but this new one is a home run (heehee – pun intended)! I’m intrigued about what’s going to happen, will he kick his addiction, work through his injury, and get the girl without losing his friend? D.R.A.M.A. Gotta love it! Good luck! 😀
I haven’t seen the pitch-in-progress but I’ll tell you, the final product is really good. I like the cadence, the characters, the delineation of the stakes: it’s all there, it’s all clear. Well done!
Thanks for your comment on mine. Happy opening week! I love baseball season too – this morning was my son’s first little league scrimmage and I loved sitting there in the sun watching the boys play ball!
Good luck!
Clever and catchy! Love it! You just can’t explain everything in such 140 characters. This is a great hook.
I like this idea a lot, but I’d like more info about the characters instead of just names. Otherwise I think the pitch is set up nicely – good job!
I don’t know a thing about sports, but this seemed sort of cute. I’m curious if winner’s circle is a baseball term or just a general sports’ term.
hi there
thanks for stopping by. you are right winner’s circle is not a baseball term but more of a sports term…in the book the main characters play several sports, but as you pointed out the people reading the pitch haven’t read the book…i was hoping the winner’s circle as a sports term would work well enough coupled with the shape theme “love triangle, baseball diamond, square off, winner’s circle, Molly’s heart” but apparently it does not 🙂 thanks again for your feedback! isn’t this a cool contest?
A love triangle plays out around a baseball diamond as Ryan squares off against Woodie to stand in the winner’s circle of Molly’s heart.
Great voice and introduction to the characters, but I have to admit I’m not big on sports and so to me, the winner’s circle reference is clunky. Are Ryan and Woodie baseball players? If they are, you can say: “baseball players Ryan and Woodie vie for Molly’s heart.” It’s a bit faster, but do whatever works for you. You have a great pitch.
hey there
yes there are quicker ways to do it but i thought the play of triangle, diamond, square, circle, and heart was fun enough to lose some details…maybe not heh
I agree with several of the other posters. I’d like to know the stakes. If one of them doesn’t win her heart, then what happens? As any baseball player knows, there are plenty of bats in the bat bag…er something like that 🙂
Hey there! I really like the idea–especially the juxtaposition of the love triangle/baseball diamond. I don’t know how necessary the character’s names are, though, as they don’t tell us much about the people behind them. Any other way you can think to describe them?
Oh my goodness! I hope the rest of the story is this adorable.
I love the play on the shapes – triangle, diamond, squared off, circle! However I wonder if you’d be better served by highlighting your main character more rather than this clever combination? So often it’s a matter of deciding what’s most important vs. what’s most hooky – not easy to do!
The pitch is fun, but I don’t think it gives us that sense of urgency. Who is the MC? What are the stakes? What are the obstacles?
As long as the book actually deals with baseball, I think you’re good.
I think it’s kind of vague.
I think we need to know who the MC is. (We don’t here). I’d also avoid the rhetorical ?
What happens in they don’t find love? I’m also curious as to who your main character is.
Love the pitch and how it integrates baseball.
Hi there! I think you’ve definitely got something that is easy to read, which is saying a lot for these kind of pitches. But all I know is three friends play baseball and get into a love triangle. What I need to know is the part that makes it intriguing! Who are they, for starters? Which one am I rooting for and why! 🙂 Hope that helps!
Hey there, thanks for the feedback on my pitch!
Normally, rhetorical questions don’t work well in pitches, queries, etc. I could see this one working, but I think you’ll have better luck if you rephrase it without the question. The premise is clear, but I think the one thing missing is what makes your book unique – what’s the one thing that will make it stand out from every other love triangle? Perhaps it’s something about the characters – a big secret? trouble at home? mobsters betting on the baseball games? what’s the big hurdle that they have to overcome? Hopefully this makes sense!
Best of luck!