the determination to re-release a book about determination

Posted on 11/20/2024 by douglasesper

Ages ago, eons ago, I wrote a book. It started with a simple premise involving two friends, one lucky and one not as they went through life competing with each other. When I started the book, I didn’t know there would be a love triangle, but when a female of interest crashed into their lives and joined the fray I was helpless to intervene. The initial idea had the two friends primarily face off in various sports until they both went off into their careers and started families and found new ways to compete. The first thing i wrote for the book was going to be the last line, “and there I was shaking hands with the luckiest man alive” or something close to it.

Around that time, I heard a news story on the radio about a husband and wife who had an argument that caught my attention. I turned out that as they yelled at each other, the husband’s mother-in-law had come over to visit. She heard the commotion outside and called the police. When the officers arrived, the couple had patched things up, but the mother-in-law insisted she didn’t feel safe, so the officers took the husband into custody. He got understandably angry and resisted enough that they took him to jail to cool down. It happened to be the start of a holiday weekend, so he was stuck in jail for several days. The couple was supposed to travel, but he missed his flight.

I can’t recall if the wife ended up going on the trip without him…but i think that’s what happened. I thought it would be great if the lucky character from my book was on that flight and he hit it off with the wife or they had been old friends and they reconnected and she fell for him.

I initially intended this story of lucky vs. unlucky guys to be a short story or possibly a novella that would fit into a novel I had a rough outline for and a few chapters typed out. The idea being that a character from the novel would tell the story within the larger novel, but it turned out that the two competitors, who were now also competing for the same gal, had more to their story than I realized. The larger novel took place around a plane crash, so the story of the arguing couple totally fit and I thought it would be super cool if she was on the flight and she was the one telling the story, but…

When I started fleshing out the lucky vs. unlucky story it grew way too long and complicated to remain inside of another novel. It became its own fully realized book. I wrote it out and rewrote it a few times as I learned more about writing and lived a little life of my own.

I found a small publisher, who suggested a few edits to help it fit their more romance genre books, and after another rewrite they published the book in 2015. The launch of the book was a mess…partially my fault and partially theirs, which was a huge bummer. I hated the cover they designed…I hated the little bit of marketing they wanted to do, and worse, they abandoned the new imprint they spoke about which would focus on sports romance books, so it really stuck out with the rest of their offerings.

Now, I dunno, it’s not a world-changing novel…it’s got its charm, but it isn’t a classic they will talk about in class decades later, so it was never going to be a hit or sell a million copies, but…I like it and I worked fucking hard on it. Yes, you can say every author works hard and their first few novels are typically awful, but…

Anyway, five quick years pass by and I get the rights back to the book. It sits around collecting dust as covid hits and all that jazz. At some point I opened it up and started to do a quick edit. I recognized some of it’s faults and cut loose some things that I was too stubborn to delete the first go-round, but I didn’t want to change the spirit in which it was written…in a small house with babies being born and struggling paycheck to paycheck and with that hopeful gleam and magic of pushing through, you know?

But, then it sat for a while. Why?

I wrote a couple other books and signed with an agent. She mentioned that after I got a book published I might find a better spot to re-release the lucky vs. unlucky story. Oh, just to backtrack, the original title for the book was like “laughing at the luckiest man alive” or something…Since the story ended up more about snippets of life over a long time with a theme of determination and with the sports angle, I changed the title to “A Life of Inches.”

WARNING: If you look up that title, you’ll see some sketchy books about John Holmes (whoever that is, right?), so proceed with caution.

Back when I wrote the book, and had planned on self-publishing, I hired a famous Italian artist named sanjulian to paint a cover of the book. I love the cover and even though it was expensive and no one uses painted covers anymore, I was super excited to have it.

I pulled the trigger yesterday and put it up as an ebook only on Amazon and was able to use that painting and some extra elements to design the cover. I dig it:

anyway, now it is out in the world and all i can do is hope people find it and give it a chance. If you are enrolled in the KDP program through Amazon it is free to read, if not, it’s only 1.99. You can follow this link to it here:

I have other stories about the book and a lot of great memories from writing it, but those can wait until after you have read it and hopefully recommended it to a friend. Thanks.

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Making Music still? Really?

Posted on 09/15/2024 by douglasesper

In Almost Famous, Jimmy Fallon says, “If you think Mick Jagger will still be out there trying to be a rock star at age 50, you’re sadly, sadly mistaken.”

While I’m not 50, I can see it looming closer through the windshield. Also, sure, you can sneer and point out that aside from a crush on Rae Dawn Chong (before I was married of course), Mick and me have very little in common, but I have tried to write and record music through my adult life on my own terms. I am proud of many songs I’ve been a part of and can except responsibility for the ones I don’t feel the same affinity for.

Writing and recording music is a crazy weird process that provides many challenges for a dyslexic, adhd, brain like mine and when you add other people to the mix(and money restraints and technology limitations and a dozen other issues) it becomes quite the mission impossible.

The Firmary is a rock band that I have been involved with since 2003 (though we took a severe break between 2006 and, uh, 2021-ish). In that time we have written a lot of songs i really enjoy, but without a set drummer and other factors our live shows and recordings haven’t always matched the level of the songwriting. In fact, all we have managed to release since coming back is a seven song EP and a couple digital singles.

Over the past two years, we have played a handful of shows while working with 6 or so different drummers (some live and some studio guys helping us record) and have tried and tried and tried to finish our second batch of songs. The process has been a grind and our progress has slowed to a crawl at times, but it appears we have five new songs close to ready to share. These songs are not the whole batch we originally intended, but they represent a trying era for The Firmary and deserve a life outside of our collective minds.

I really dig how these songs have turned out and I find myself excited to hear the EP, titled “Get Up”, named after one of the songs on the EP. Adam Probert has taken on the bulk of the mixing duties for these songs, which include the first two songs started by Joshua to get recorded and the first song started by me, which is probably the least firmary-sounding song ever recorded by The Firmary.

Our friend, Sam Hudson helped us with the cover by snapping some photos of herself (see image below). She probably didn’t know the risk she was taking in volunteering her time, talents, and image on an EP that for all she knew could be terrible. Here is the working cover for our EP:

But, Sam, it’s too late to turn back now.

When will this EP see the light of day? I have no idea, but soon-ish seems like an honest answer. will there be physical copies? No one uses CDs anymore, and we can’t afford to press records, so…maybe. We’re looking at options. I am an old curmudgeon who still prefers physical media, so maybe a small batch of CDs for those of you like me. Didn’t you post that you were possibly done with recording and writing music like five months ago? Yes, and the post still stands. I wanted to see this release through to the end and thought it would be done in late Spring/early Summer…which shows how naive and hopeful I remain after 25 years of delays.

Will The Firmary continue? That’s a question for the other guys. I plan on writing and recording music in some form or another until I die, but the band isn’t driven by me. William, Joshua, and Adam are guys I respect and admire and have been lucky enough to work with on various projects through the years. They deserve a solid singer with drive and passion and talent (hard to find a better looking singer than me though). If that is me, awesome…or if we say, ‘hey, this has been a tough process and we were getting older and need to set The Firmary aside (even if just temporarily), I’ll support that 100%. Lord knows I don’t plan on being onstage moving and shaking like Mick Jagger forever.

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In The Watershed – “coming soon”

Posted on 06/13/2024 by douglasesper

Ages and ages ago, I wrote a mystery/thriller book based on the stories I grew up reading from Agatha Christie, Les Roberts, and Dan Simmons mixed with more modern bits. The book was ‘finished’ around 2014…

At the same time I wrote/edited/shopped a coming of age sports book called A Life of Inches. I signed with a small publisher for that book in late 2014 and the rest of that story is a head-scratching series of frustrating events, leading to the book arriving DOA. As I floundered, trying to promote the book and shop my mystery novel (set in the same world), I took a two year detour to play conga for Chuck Mosley. When he passed away in 2017, I was knocked back a million steps and felt completely lost and broken.

To help me make sense of the world, I started writing a book about my 20 year friendship with Chuck. It was around this time I tried explaining to my wife my many failings and how I still didn’t understand how to navigate a world in which I had failed so many times in so many ways.

In 2019, five years after finishing my mystery/thriller, I filmed a part in a found footage movie “Dwellers’, which helped me refocus on my creativity. I took another look at my mystery/thriller and realized I had much more life experience to inject into the story. This time, when I sent it out to agents, I got more interest, and signed on with one. She delivered the manuscript to a handful of publishers and we got a few rejections peppered with decent feedback. One publisher (a big one) expressed some interest and asked me to outline a potential sequel to the book.

I spent the Winter watching my Chuck book get released and fall on deaf ears, another gut-wrenching failure while I excitedly outlined a sequel/a book I hadn’t planned on being a thing. I really got excited over the set up and felt high hopes as I turned it in.

The publisher passed in the Spring of 2020 as the world shut down…many publishers suspended new manuscript procurement for an indefinite time. I jumped in to help my friend finish a hastily-made quarantine short film, “The Nutshell” which was fun, frustrating, and super educational for me. I also filmed a bit on a movie called “The Other Side of Darkness”.

As the world reopened in 2021, I reformed my old band The Firmary and tried like Hell to get the ball rolling (doesn’t anyone drum anymore?!). I lost touch with my agent, certainly getting the impression she had no desire to put anymore time into my mystery.

In 2023, Sara Panza roped me into filming a few clips for the Cleveland Auto Show to use on social media. Her being an editor and smart and all, i asked her to take a look at my mystery/thriller. She agreed and ended up sending me great notes for the first half of the book.

Now in 2024, ten years after the book was ‘completed’, I figure it is time to just push it out into the world and let it have a life outside of my head. I love this book, warts and all. I understand why it is harder to market then a traditional mystery, making it a tough sell to a traditional publisher, but I believe if people give it a chance they’ll dig it.

Skyler Willett over at Popgorn design created a kickass cover, which you can see below.

IN THE WATERSHED will be out in the world later this year. When? Good question. We have some more editing to do, but after that, out it comes. I’ll set up a presale link when I have a definite date, but I wanted to announce this now, so people could sign up to my email list and get the scoop. I plan on posting more about this book up through the release.

thanks all for sticking with this shell of a man as he tries to rejoin the living.

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Bunker Heights Trailer

Posted on 06/12/2024 by douglasesper

So, the trailer for Bunker Heights, a cool movie I did some work on dropped a while back and I wanted to share it. The film was developed by Drew Fortier (Dwellers) and he gathered a heck of a team, including co-producer and actress Hannah Fierman to pull this movie off. It is much larger in scope than anything else I’ve filmed on to date. Can’t wait to see the final edit. Have you seen any great movies lately?

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25 years since the valentine’s day massacre.

Posted on 02/19/2023 by douglasesper

My daughter and I were recently at a record shop on Valentine’s day, doing some last second shopping for my wife. While there Mara pointed to a KISS record and said, “Hey, I’ve seen them before.”

I asked, “Where?”

I was genuinely curious as, not being a big KISS fan myself, I wondered where she had come across them.

She said, “They were on an episode of Scooby Doo.”

Fair enough.

I asked her if she knew that once, her uncle Craig and his band had played a show dressed up in KISS makeup?

and then it hit me…That show was on Valtenine’s day 1998. 25 years to the day.

To most people, February 14th 1998 means nothing aside from another day to eat chocolates and spend a few bucks on roses. To a very, very, very, very small group of hardcore fans in Cleveland it was the date of a cool and memorable show. For me, it was my first time onstage performing. The show dubbed, the st. valentine’s day massacre.

My older brother was in a band called Skipline who, like most bands, came and went quickly with little fanfare, and yet they managed to cause a stir from time to time by playing after breaking up. My brother was a vocalist, sharing those duties with Bryan and Mark, who also played guitar. My brother had never been in a band and hasn’t been in one since. He was a born performer and had lungs, man, but he also battled a similar stage fright as many performers do. It always threw me for a loop because when he was up there he would and could do and say anything at any given time and he had crowds eating out of the palm of his hand. he was a presence. he was a loose cannon. man, he was cool.

His band had a “joke song called “louie” about Star Wars that they cobbled together quickly in the studio and tacked on to their debit cassette tape. The song was a highlight of the show, us all being nerds and this offered us a chance to sing and scream along about nein nunb, a character who deserves more credit (Right, Mike Quinn?)

My brother never committed to the band fully and eventually they went their separate ways, with mark taking over the vocals as the frontman. My brother moved a few hours away. On paper it was to attend college, but…

Anyway, they booked a show at the phantasy in Lakewood, Ohio where nine inch nails, faith no more, sound garden, Marilyn Manson, Mushroomhead and many others had played. The band wanted to make the show a spectacle, so they enlisted me and pooch, a friend of ours to aid in their entrance. When it was time for them to play, the club shut off all the lights and, if I recall, they had smoke machines going…but I might be totally making that up. I was kneeling in the darkness in front of Jim’s bass, while Pooch was stationed near mark’s guitar. They had the instruments set to run through various trippy effects. When the time was right, pooch and I started “playing” and making weird noises. He was actually a guitarist. I was…well, I delivered pizza back then.

As we played, a pre-recorded loop of a KISS song blasted through the sound system. The guys in the band crept to their spots in the darkness. Still in darkness the guys geared up and I stood near the back by the drums. The lights kicked on, the band started playing and as they ripped into the first song, I stage dove for the first and only time.

Oh, did I forget to mention I am overweight? I was back then as well, though less so.

I flew through the air for half a second and saw the fear in the eyes of those under me as I crashed into the mosh pit. The band played a solid 30 minutes, which was about all the material they had, but they saved ‘Louie’ for last.

My brother announced that he needed help, beckoning Pooch, Bryan, Ryan, and myself to the stage to provide gang vocals throughout the song. We wore masks…stormtrooper, c3p0, and I had on a yoda mask and for some reason I wasn’t wearing a shirt. The first and also the last time I think I’ll ever be onstage without one.

With a quick intro from my brother we blasted into the song. We hadn’t practiced, hell, the band hadn’t played together in a couple years, but the song wasn’t made to be taken too seriously, right?

Partway in I “took the lead”on vocals during a death metal-type barking breakdown originally recorded by Mark. I didn’t know the words by heart nor had I ever really growled like that, but man it felt like fun.

Most, if not all, of these photos were taken side stage by Scott Badovick, who also got some backstage shots. I “sang” at the far side, so I dunno that I made it into many, if any, of the photos. There was one small one, which was used in the CD liner, but I am not sure I still have it. If I find myself with yoda mask on, I’ll post it. Here was me with the guys before the show:

Can you tell which one is me?

Ah, there it is. No shirt, yoda-masked doug, stage right with pooch in the middle.

There’s my brother meeting the crowd.

The song was over as quickly as it started, as was the show. Skipline had returned and the club buzzed with energy. I had gotten onstage and had a blast. I wanted more. I didn’t know how to play any instruments or sing, and I wasn’t attractive, physical enough to get crazy onstage or even knowledgable enough to create my own character/personality up there, but none of that mattered.

The show was captured with an audio recording, so I have the weird, wild, semi-cringy, first song I ever played for your enjoyment…at the end of the song you may catch some bad words/derogatory terms, which weren’t from me.

after this show, some of the guys stuck with music and found other projects to pass the time. you may have even heard some of them, but those bands weren’t a part of the st. valtentine’s massacre of 1998. Also, bryan passed away recently, an unforeseen tragedy. He was a couple years older than me, good friends with my brother for a time, but I didn’t know him as well. He was always cool to me and we had a few good fnm talks as well as sharing a bunch of nerdy sci-fi/star wars stories back then. condolences to his family and friends.

I tried out for a band later that year that dissolved before leaving the basement, but adam from that band and I have been working on music under the indoria name ever since (and he currently plays keys in the firmary).It wasn’t until the following year that I joined my first band that played out, recorded, and released original music. They were called fromandafly. Here I am, 25 years since the first time I took the stage and I’m still trying to figure out if I belong up there or if it’s just too fun to quit.

In two days, The Firmary releases our debut EP Soft Reboot and it’s at such a bad time. We are drummerless, my job is sucking my soul away, and we haven’t been able to promote this collection of songs at all. I have been performing for 25 years on and off (more off than on really), and I feel like there’s a lot more that I want to accomplish. I’d love my granddaughter to point to a photo at a record shop someday and ask Mara why gramps is shirtless onstage screaming about jawas.

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